I realize that anxiety is, potentially, a waste of emotional energy. That said, I still find the need to vent pressing in on me a bit at the moment. As such please pardon this potentially self-indulgent tangent....
While I believe that I had yet to mention it here, a while ago I discovered that there was a grant opportunity for undergraduate student research at my school, the University of Alaska Fairbanks, for this Fall. And it had a deadline of today. So, over the last few weeks - roughly the 20 odd days or so since I discovered the opportunity - I plotted and worked and figured and planned and came up with a proposal. I'll be candid, the whole anxiety I have at the moment prevents me from going into details about it but the short version is that the grant would be used for the production of Antigone that I plan to direct and design this coming Fall. And I really, really, really want to do it right. So grant funding would be a tremendous help.
So I got all my ducks in a row and entered things onto the online form and clicked the 'submit' button. And I get an error message that said problems were highlighted in red. For some reason the PDF of my presentation had not shown up as attached, and the system didn't like my giving a range of probable hours worked per week. I fixed those and then clicked 'submit' again. And I got a confirmation message and a confirmation email. But...
...My brain has decided that now it wants to work over my self-confidence, and has me questioning if things went through the way that they needed to. Especially since the form says that you can only submit it once, and I got the error message so I clicked the 'submit' button a second time. And now I cannot clearly recall if I rechecked all the other required fields prior to the second click.
Yes, logic tells me that since I got the response email AND I didn't get the red flagging on any of my other fields that such worries are nonsense. And I also know that, as of the roughly 45 minutes ago that I submitted the form there is nothing I can do now but wait, no matter what errors may or may not have occurred. It's just...
It's just that the idea that I might miss out on a potential golden opportunity because of stupid glitches, or clumsy errors, has me stressed. Add that atop the inherent generalized anxiety that occurs when one submits a resume, or a proposal, or such and...well, the result is my current state.
I've wanted a great many things in my artistic and academic careers. And I've been disappointed any number of previous times. So by rights I should be able to deal with these feelings. And I will....eventually.
I just want this. Badly. Really, really badly. In part because it has aspects that apply to the next phase of my academic career, my efforts toward graduate school. And in part because this project will, basically, be my last big "hurrah" as an undergraduate. And I'm honest enough about my ego to admit that I want to go out on top.
So now it is just a waiting game until the recipients of the grants are announced on July 17th.
..........Is it July yet?
More soon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A portfolio of my various work and projects, both theatrical and otherwise.
My general, rather eclectic, Tumblr:
Semi-Random Shavings
My school related fundraising site:
Help Me Continue My Educational Momentum
No comments:
Post a Comment